Stop,
by Patronum93
Summary: Originally a one shot on the travels of Sister Bernadette's mind. But my heart wont let that just be that. There's so much more love. Turnadette in the making. Possibly M in later chapters, but we'll start out lightly.
1. Chapter 1

This, is my sorry first attempt at fanfiction for Sister Bernadette and Patrick Turner, **I do not own these characters or settings, everything belongs to the lovely people at neal street productions, bbc, and jennifer worth of course! as well as Heidi Thomas!**

I suppose if anyone likes this at all, I could try and turn it in to a real ff and not just a one shot in the mind of a tortured Sister Bernadette.

Stop,

Stop thinking like that!

In her cold, dark, and simple room, Sister Bernadette lay shivering from head covering to the tips of her toes.

But that was not what was keeping her from sleep.

Cold, she could handle.

Cold, she could survive.

Even the tightening of her chest and the recurring breathlessness were bearable.

Tonight though,

Tonight, like many other nights as of late, what was she was learning to find unbearable was the place her mind began to journey to.

That forbidden place, that place where she would imagine the warmth of his chest against her bare back, and the tickle of his stubble nestling against her shoulder.

**STOP! **

Broken from her imagination as her mind seemingly remembered who she was, Sister Bernadette lay once again in her cold, hard bed. In the dark dampness that was a sure sign of the oncoming winter, unknowingly tracing her index finger over the now faint white scar lining her palm.

It was wrong, she _knew_ it was wrong.

But how could it be wrong! Something that felt so good and natural surely could not be wrong. Love is a part of all life. Love IS life. Love between two people, love between a mother and her child.

But why does it hurt so much? Why_ must_ it hurt so much? Yet at the same time, how is it even possible that it can feel so good? How can love tear her apart and fill her with warmth all at the same time.

How is love possible when she loves GOD. The love for her god causes no such pain. The love for GOD gives her strength and leaves her feeling content.

Yet, even being in the same room as _him_ she feels those same things, and more, she feels pride for him, his gentleness with patients warms every part of her like a horlicks on a cold winter night after a long and difficult birth.


	2. Chapter 2

Sister Bernadette stirred,

How long had she been asleep? It felt as if her mind had just let go of the 'what if' scenarios from what felt like moments before.

And what had woken her? The latter question was answered as if by some divine purpose just seconds later as the phone of Nonnatus house rang through the convent.

Knowing she was on call, and that she would receive quite the earful from Sister Evangelina if she let the phone continue ringing, as she was not due on rounds this morning, Sister Bernadette hastily , though reluctantly, exited her bed, adjusted her wimple and stepped into her slippers.

Making it down the stained glass halls and into the office of Nonnatus, Sister Bernadette pulled the receiver to her ear before it could cause any more noise to awaken the rest of the midwives who were no doubt trying to make up for the sleep they so rarely encountered.

"Nonnatus House, midwife speaking?"

"Sister Bernadette, is that you?" said the voice of the man whose body she had imagined tangled with her own mere moments before.

Standing up straighter, and now fidgeting with the cord of the receiver between her index finger and pinky, "It is, how can I be of service Doctor Turner?"

"I've just been called out to James Miller's home for a suspected appendicitis, and as it turns out, appendicitis is not the culprit, it seems as if Mrs. Miller is in second stage labor..."

"But she's not in our records Doctor, she's never even been seen at an antenatal clinic! How d-"

Sister Bernadette was cut off, a little harshly by the Doctors voice, "I _know _that sister, and they've nothing prepared, when I asked why they haven't been to see a midwife or arranged any prenatal care, both husband and wife shrugged as if it was not top priority!"

Still a little put off by the gruff manner to which Doctor Turner started his reply as he cut her off, Sister Bernadette merely asked for the address and stated she was on her way before placing the receiver back down.

Doctor Turner knew he should not have taken his anger out on her.

He was tired, but that was no excuse, no excuse at all.

Not only was she a nun, but she was Sister Bernadette, the one person in his life who gave him true strength without even trying. She offered as much help as was appropriate with Timothy and encouraged the boy when she saw that he could not. In the love he observed that she so clearly had for Timothy, his feelings had seemed to blossom of their own accord.

Waiting on the steps outside of the tenement where the Miller's resided, Doctor Turner tried to think of the best way to apologize without foolish, 2. Acknowledging exactly how much he cared about her feelings, and 3. Making the rest of what would certainly be a long night in any way, shape or form awkward for them both.

But, she was a professional; in no time at all he could spot the light shinning from the handlebars of her bicycle aimed towards the steps. He could just make out her wimple and her blue habit. It had to be a good mile and a half from Nonnatus house to the Miller's place, and yet he felt as if he had just finished the conversation with the Sister as she was appearing before him.

"Greetings, Doctor Turner." She murmured, holding her equipment filled bag to her chest.

He could feel the pain in her voice at being talked down to, and it ripped at his heart.

"Sister Bernade-"

He was cut off by her Scottish accent taking charge in asking "which room is our patient in then?"

"Oh, second to last door on the left, I've instructed husband to have hot water and clean towels at the ready for you," said the doctor a little sheepishly.

Sister Bernadette quietly thanked him and made to walk up the steps past him, but in focusing so far ahead of her, she failed to realize that there were three steps up to enter the building instead of two.

Ever quick in his actions and strong from carrying his GP's bag for years and years, Doctor Turner caught her before Sister Bernadette could fall forward fully.

For his quick actions, Sister Bernadette was ever grateful, if not a wee bit embarrassed. It seemed as if being saved by the doctor only put her in a more compromising position that landing on the hard tile floor ahead of her.

Her back, flush against his chest as he held her tight to him with his right arm mere inches below the swell of her chest, and his left hand firm on her hip. Through the many layers of her habit, Sister Bernadette could still feel the heat of his touch, scalding her like fire.

The pair stayed like that for much longer than was necessary, without realizing it she leaned against his chest and breathed in his scent, Henley's and spearmint toothpaste. He relished the feel of her against him, only slightly tightening the grip on her hip bone as she relaxed back into him.

They could have stayed in that position for much longer, it seemed as being in such close proximity had caused the pair to forget who they were, and what they were doing all together. But a piercing scream erupted from through the door and down the hallway. The moment the scream reached her ears Sister Bernadette jumped away from Doctor Turner as if he was poison. She couldn't even manage a thank you or look back at him; she swiftly drew up her habit and made way to the bedroom, her face flushed but she would blame to cold if anyone asked.

_There goes any attempt at avoiding awkwardness…._ thought Doctor Turner.

The next few hours were a cloud to them both,

Yes, they knew the patient should always come first, and did in said situation; it was a breach birth, and a tough one at that. Eventually baby was born though, and the parents cooed at her. A little girl, no bigger than a loaf of bread, with light blonde hair gurgled in her mother's arms.

Sister Bernadette let Mrs. Miller know that she or another midwife would be returning later in the day for a routine check up and to make sure all was well. Once done with giving that information and congratulating the new parents once more, she made way out of the building and towards home in the still dark of early morning. Unaware that Doctor Turner was still present, she let her guard down and let out an exhausted sigh.

In seeing this, Doctor Turner through his half smoked cigarette down, stomped it into the ground and made way to check on the Sister.

Sister Bernadette was startled to see the concerned face of Doctor Turner when she opened her eyes once more, and jumped back with great force,

Again, she was caught in his arms. This time, chest to chest, noses just inches apart. Her blue eyes grew wide as his brown eyes reflected warmth and fire within.

He knew no one was around, he had observed the area as he was smoking just moments ago. With this knowledge and knowing that he would never have another chance, he gave in.

As his lips descended upon her own, her eyelids fluttered shut. Delicately he pulled her closer to him, tighter but with restraint still. It was brief, the lightest of touches at first.

She was stock still for a moment, until she felt him pull her closer, with that, all her restraint left her and she molded into his embrace. She kissed him back.

Delicate, her lips were delicate, so much more so than he had ever imagined.

He had imagined. Many times he sat in his makeshift cubicle and reminisced on the sound of her soft Scottish voice, and the reserved smile she held with lips that could only be compared to the most beautiful rose. Her lips followed him not only during work hours though, late in the evenings after a long day, Doctor Turner would lay in bed and let his mind wander to what a conversation against those lips would feel like, a conversation with no words, only feeling.

But this was not his mind wandering, nor hers. This was real. The pair stayed connected, the kiss deepening when the Sister felt Doctor's tongue lightly caress her top lip. She gasped at the contact and he used said gasp to bring them closer than ever. Minutes went by, the kiss deepening at moments and becoming lighter afterwards until breath was needed.

Unfortunately all good things must come to an end at some point or another,

The moment they separated, a million thoughts crossed Sister Bernadette's mind. Her flushed cheeks instantly paled as recognition of what had just transpired between then dawned on her.

She couldn't even look at him, if she had, she would have seen the pure love he had for her, and the pained expression that followed in his eyes at seeing her reaction after something so beautiful had occurred between them.

Again she felt two strong arms holding her tight as everything went black and she fainted.


	3. Chapter 3

Doctor Tuner's split second reaction to Sister Bernadette's sudden fainting spell saved her from toppling to the ground below for the third time that morning.

She was limp in his arms. Concern was etched into the lines of his face, she was pale, almost translucent and she wasn't conscious. He tried to rouse her from the fainting spell by calling her name gently, but no such luck.

Immediately Doctor Turner leaned her back, and captured her legs under his arm, carrying her like one would carry his wife over the threshold on their wedding night. He knew she was small, petite, a good foot if not more separated their faces when both stood straight.

It was easy to set her in the backseat of the MG. Holding her head with a delicate manner he had never known, with his right hand he quickly rummaged a discarded jumper of Timothy's that lay in the back seat and set it underneath her head as not to strain her neck.

All thoughts of what had transpired between him and the Sister were pushed to the back of his conscious as now his main concern was her health and safety.

Quickly returning to the stop just a few feet away to retrieve his GP's bag where it lay on the cobblestone ground, throwing it into the boot and locking it up, Doctor Turner returned to the driver's seat of his car. For a split second he wondered if he should attempt to pack up her bicycle, but the thought quickly vanished as he realized it was recognizable as a midwifes bicycle and no one in the East End had more respect than the midwives. The bicycle would be safe.

The mile and a half that had only taken what felt like moments for Sister Bernadette to travel to reach the Miller's residence felt like hours on Doctor Turners return trip to Nonnatus House. She still hadn't woken, hadn't moved in the slightest. With every look in the rearview mirror the doctor's concern only grew, as did the distance back to the convent.

After what seemed like ages, the car finally turned round to Nonnatus House, Doctor turned off the engine, exited the driver's seat and made way to the passenger door to retrieve Sister Bernadette. He was alarmed to see her skin even more translucent than it had been when he set her in the seat minutes ago. Quickly, but with delicacy, Doctor Turner picked her up once more and climbed the steps up to the door of Nonnatus. Shifting her weight, he rang the doorbell multiple times with urgency. It seemed to only take a matter of seconds before he heard the shuffling of feet on the other side of the door.

When the door swung open, Doctor didn't bother to wait to be invited in; he walked past Sister Julienne swiftly and started to explain all of what had happened to Sister Bernadette, leaving out the small tidbit regarding the kiss the pair had shared.

Sister Julienne, always the calm head of Nonnatus took action immediately, directing the doctor to Sister Bernadette's quarters and helping him to lay her down on her bed. The worry she felt for her Sister was clearly recognizable though when she beckoned Cynthia to assist in bringing a cold flannel and water, her voice only above an urgent whisper, but strained all together.

When Sister Bernadette woke hours later in her bed, she was confused to put things mildly.

_It was a dream? Was it not? _

It had felt so real, the dreams never progressed that far, no matter how hard her mind and heart tried to further them.

Sister Bernadette took in a quick breath when she opened her eyes slightly; her room was bright, sun rays shining through the window adjacent her bed. She made quick work, or tried at least to make quick work of leaving her bed to get to work, thinking she had slept through the first half of her rounds, but was soon brought back down to her pillow by an overwhelming ache in her head.

Clutching at her temples and eliciting a quiet groan of protest at the ache, she quickly went quiet when she heard someone shuffle in the chair in the darker corner of the room and jump up immediately as if they had fallen asleep watching her.

It was only when a more tired than usual looking Doctor Turner emerged from the shadow did Sister Bernadette realize that what she had thought was a dream mere moments ago was in fact reality. All at once the memories from early that mornings encounter flooded her mind and her pulse quickened. She paled instantly, luckily though, this time she had her bed post to hold on to and she did not lose consciousness once more.

Doctor Turner for his part looked at her sheepishly as if he was building up the courage to say something to her.

The pair were saved from making things any more awkward than they already were, if that was even possible at this point, by Sister Julienne entering the room and immediately upon seeing Doctor Turner stood up turned her attention to her Sister.

"You're awake," she said as her smile beamed, it looked like a weight was lifted off her shoulders in that very moment.

Everyone knew, as it was more than obvious, that even though they were Sisters under GOD, Sister Bernadette looked to Sister Julienne as a mother and Sister Julienne to her as a daughter. No one questioned it, it just was.

Immediately at her Sister's side, she took hold of the now slightly shivering hands and held them tight in her own as to give her strength and warmth to her 'daughter'. Sister Julienne then turned to Doctor and thanked him for waiting with Sister Bernadette whilst she called and had the appointment arranged at the London.

Upon dismissing the doctor from her Sisters quarters, Sister Julienne noticed that the pair would not meet eye to eye. A quiet thank you was given from her Sister and a slight nod of the head in her direction from Doctor Turner back. She believed it could have been the fact that her Sister had woken up with a man in her room without supervision, and had resulted in a slightly awkward situation that she would apologize to both for at another time.

As the doctor was leaving Nonnatus he was stopped by Nurse Franklin who thanked him for rescuing their best midwife and nun from a terrible situation! Nurse Franklin was always one to dramatize things more than ought to be. He knew she was only joking but could not register it, nothing seemed to get through his mind, and he was in a fog, a daze.

He knew he was walking, and then suddenly he was home, opening the front door to his house. He didn't recall saying goodbye to anyone at Nonnatus, getting in the MG or even making the drive back home at all.

It would appear as if being surrounded by midwives and nuns hadn't let his mind fully process what had happened yet.

They kissed.

She fainted.

But those were just two things that had occurred. Important things definitely, but what had taken priority over everything had had occurred in the last twelve hours was the diagnosis he'd given Sister Julienne regarding Sister Bernadette.

Upon laying her down in her bed, Sister Julienne asked the doctor if he could find anything wrong that might suggest why she had fainted. Not wanting to disclose what had truly happened between them he agreed. What he found might save her life or break his heart at the same time.

Through the stethoscope he heard crackles.

For a moment, he had believed his ears were playing tricks on him, his eyes most certainly were. Sister Bernadette's habit had to be unbuttoned to listen to her chest and upon seeing her skin, always so hidden away from view, he nearly gasped. Her skin was pure, no defects upon it. A light sprinkling of freckles made their way from behind her ears all the way down her collar bone and across to the other side, but they were so light they looked like butterfly kisses upon her skin.

In regaining his composure the doctor heard the first crackles. Hoping that it was now his ears tormenting him, he listened once more, on the opposite side of her chest.

Crackles.

Sister Julienne noticing the worry etched on his face asked almost immediately as his stethoscope broke contact with the skin what he had detected.

Never had he seen someone with the face of positivity and calmness break so swiftly. She tried to mask it, but he saw right through it. What she was feeling, he was feeling as well.

The person they loved, who had more than a good part of their hearts had TB.

Sitting at his kitchen table, staring into a cup of what was now considered ice tea, Doctor Turner pinched the bridge of his nose and started to think of a solution, any solution.

This lasted well into the middle of the day; he hadn't realized how long he sat at the table in the kitchen until he heard the sound of Timothy eagerly trying to get his key in the lock of the front door…

What would he tell Timothy?


	4. Chapter 4

_Quick note: Sorry for the long wait! Still trying to get used to my new work schedule and I've also been out of town guys, and on top of all that, I've got Strep Throat! Yuck! but by no means has this story been off my mind. Hopefully with the time I've had to mull things over, these next few chapters can be amazing. _

_Thank You again to those who follow and leave comments, I love you guys and I love your feedback! If you have any suggestions, I am definitely open to them so let me know! _

_Enjoy_

_X_

Anxiously, Doctor Turner paced from one side of the mg to the other. Today would be the day he brought Sister Bernadette to the TB hospital for a more thorough exam. He hadn't seen her since she'd woken up the previous day. To say that his nerves were on edge would be a serious understatement.

As the doctor pulled out his, what? Third? Fourth? Henley of the morning and began to light it he quickly stomped it out and turned round as he heard the door to Nonnatus open.

Standing at the top of the stairway was a stoic looking Sister Bernadette.

It tore what little piece of his heart that was not broken apart to see her with a look of such pain and distance.

Beside Sister Bernadette, Sister Julienne wore a brave face, if not for her sister's benefit, then that of her own. How she did it, Doctor Turner couldn't imagine. This was not just her sister that she was sending away for the triple treatment, but her own daughter in so many ways.

As the Sisters bounded down the steps, and approached the car, Doctor put on his best smile under the circumstances. He knew it fell short of his usual cheeky grin that appeared when seeing friends, but attempted anyhow.

Greetings were said between the three, Sister Julienne initiating most of the conversation, avoiding the elephant in the room as one would say by speaking about everything besides Sister Bernadette's diagnosis.

The unease of the situation caused Doctor Turner to subconsciously check the time. In seeing this action Sister Julienne came to the realization that she was simply stalling and bode farewell to her sister, blessing her and promising to call upon her in coming days. Sister Bernadette attempted her bravest face but tears could be seen welling up in her beautiful blue eyes.

Doctor Turner was losing his composure quickly, the urge to take her into his arms and envelop her in his own love was tempting him too much and as Sister Julienne released her, he almost gave in.

Today was not about him though, he swiftly moved around to the passenger door and opened it for Sister Bernadette to enter, and ever the gentleman took her hand and eased her down into the seat.

A deep blush shown on her cheeks causing one to emerge on his own as well, she muttered a quick thank you and he had to clear his throat before nodding and closing the door.

Nodding in the direction of Sister Julienne and returning to his side of the car, Doctor Turner went into autopilot. In no time, the pair were headed out of Poplar, the fog and overcrowded streets were becoming scarce as countryside was becoming more prominent.

Neither had spoken since the journey began, Doctor Turner was gripping the steering wheel with such pressure that his knuckles had turned white. Sister Bernadette had her hands clasped together in her lap, her gaze unwavering from the outside of her window.

There was a bump in the road.

There's always a "bump" in the road, though more so figuratively than in actuality.

Today was actuality. Doctor Turner did not see what it was that caused the mg's left tire to swerve with such force and nearly turning the car straight into the middle of the road. His first reaction was to brake as hard as possible and automatically grab hold of his passenger to hold them from losing balance.

The whole ordeal lasted mere moments but felt like a lifetime.

When everything came to a stop it was only then that Doctor realized what position he had let himself and his Nun fall into. _His_ Nun.

He was seated still in his driver's seat, but now with Sister Bernadette's arms wrapped tightly around his midsection and her head burrowed into his chest. His arms were as well wrapped tightly around her midsection and he could feel her shaking.

She was crying.

"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry Sister, I don't know what that was, we are alright, are you alright?" he asked as he removed one arm from her midsection to raise her face from his chest, immediately regretting losing the feeling of her under his arm.

Sister Bernadette had tears in her eyes. More concerned this time Doctor Turner repeated his previous statement to make sure she was alright but all she could do was nod. From the moment the Sister's head was lifted from his chest with his hand, which he hadn't removed from her chin, her eyes had not left his face. She stared intently from his eyes to his lips and back again.

Without realizing the double meaning, Doctor Turner traced his fingers and thumb over and under her soft skin and told her all would be fine and that this was simply a bump in the road.

It was Sister Bernadette who initialed their second kiss.

The moment she heard the words leave that of the handsome doctor's mouth; she could no longer hide the feelings that were now bursting inside of her.

A moment ago, she had thought they were going to crash and burn. The next moment she was engulfed in his strong arms and she'd never felt more comfort or calm in all her life.

She leaned up and gently brought her lips to his.

Shocked at first, she felt the doctor tighten at the initial contact, and then loosen after a moment's time.

When Sister Bernadette pushed herself further into the Doctor, all the composure he was struggling so hard to reign in was let loose. He dropped his hand from her chin only to take hold of her hip and pull her onto his lap so that she was sitting directly in front of him. Sister in turn wrapped her arms tightly around his neck and began to push her fingers through the short, freshly shaven hair on the back of his neck, relishing the mixture of feelings her lips and fingers were experiencing.

Doctor, fighting to gain some kind of upper hand in the situation made to open Sister's lips by lightly flicking his tongue over her lips. The sister eagerly obliged and let him, deepening the kiss even more so for the pair.

All thought was lost for the two, only foggy windows, heated breaths and the sound of sighs of approval could be heard from the two.

They could kiss forever and it would not be long enough.

Sorry guys, I'm trying to write this cause It's bursting from my insides, but the codeine and antibiotics are making me a tadddddd bit loopy. So any grammar or spelling errors, please forgive, I can barely focus on the screen. Luckily I know where the keys are and can write with my eyes closed.


	5. Chapter 5

This chapter might hurt your heart a little bit, sorry. And also, still on the codeine so hopefully no grammar or any other types of slip ups. Let me just tell you, strep throat=not fun at all.

X

It was Doctor who stopped the joining of their lips.

It would seem as though realization hit him first this time.

He was supposed to be taking her to the TB treatment hospital to make her better! And what was he doing? Sitting in the middle of a foggy road kissing her!

Kissing her,

Something he'd dreamed of doing for ages, kissing her. Holding her in his arms, her body within the embrace of his own.

But he knew it was wrong, and he knew she knew it was wrong regardless of how right it felt to the both of them.

He didn't want to stop,

And that's what angered him. He loved her. He didn't just want to kiss and hold her. He wanted to wake up with her and make her happy, he wanted to have children with her, grow old with her, even fight with her on occasion just to make up with her. He wanted to be able to love her. Because he did, he _loved _her.

So, because he loved her, he gently lightened the kiss until their lips broke apart, and he looked into her now dark with passion blue eyes, trying to convey all that he was feeling to her, because he couldn't find the words to say it. In that moment the only thing we was apparently capable of doing was taking her face in his palm and stroking her cheek with adoration, and closing his eyes to try and engrain the feeling of her soft skin into his memory.

She knew. She should have known better.

She was a nun for Christ sake. What was she doing? What was she thinking? She clearly was not thinking. She clearly didn't do a lot of thinking whenever he was around. But she loved him.

And now what? He stopped kissing her.

Sister Bernadette tried to read what Doctor's eyes were telling her, but she didn't understand. Moments ago, he had not wanted to let go of her, their lips had the longest conversation without words, and she could feel herself falling more and more in love with him. So what was he telling her now when he had pulled away from the kiss?

Was it just simply a kiss to him? Was their previous kiss, simply a kiss as well? Nothing more? Was she reading this all wrong? Was she hoping for something that wasn't there? Was he only kissing her because he missed his late wife? All these thoughts flashed through Sister Bernadette's mind.

She was hurt,

She was hurt, but she was strong. She, with all the courage she could muster, returned back to her seat from the place in his lap where she was warm and suddenly realized how cold it had gotten outside of the mg. She shivered, and he tried to place a hand on her shoulder but she shrugged it off.

Doctor Turner feared that he had given her the wrong impression. Why couldn't he find the right words to tell her? He didn't want to scare her off. She was a nun after all, and he didn't want to lose her. He loved her, why couldn't he just tell her that. Why are words so hard when it comes to love?

"We'd better get going, it will be dark soon and you won't see your way back" said Sister Bernadette in a voice that betrayed how hurt she was feeling under her strong exterior.

"Oh, umm…you're right, best get you to the sanatorium safely and… um, right let's go." Mumbled Doctor Turner whilst turning the key in the ignition and starting up the mg for the rest of their journey.

A journey that was for the remainder of their time silent for neither had words for each other. Doctor had many things he would like to tell Sister Bernadette but could simply not find the right words, and in turn, Sister Bernadette thinking that Doctor had nothing to say to her felt broken and had no words she wished to say to the Doctor.

She felt hurt.

Most of an hour had passed with silence before the pair laid eyes upon the TB sanatorium. Doctor Turner was still desperately trying to find words to say to the woman he loved with every part of himself as she was now filled with a different kind of fear at seeing the imposing building before her. It was large, and it looked well taken care of, it came off looking like a grand hotel out in the country, but seeing it and knowing what it was didn't help her feelings of unease.

Sister Bernadette had never feared death. She was young; she believed in her god, had faith in her church and believed in her heaven. She had no fear of growing old and passing in her sleep. But being young, and TB being such a scary disease, the fear rose inside Sister Bernadette like a tidal wave and she began to shake with anxiety.

Only minutes later, Doctor Turner was at her passenger door offering his hand and helping her out. This time, the blush on her cheek was not visible. She had not anger in her heart, but disappointment. Though she was a nun, she was not to hold grudges to anyone regardless. So when Doctor Turner turned to her offered to walk her in and carry her suit case, she merely thanked him for being most kind, took hold of said suit case and walked straight to the sanatorium without looking back. She would not cry. She would not let him see. She would walk on; he once told her that they were like an officer and a sergeant. She would stand tall at this moment and show that she was strong. She would do this.

She could feel his eyes on her back, but that only pushed her on further and faster, only to be free from his gaze once she entered the building and to be greeted by the nurses she would be getting to know for the next months of her life. Smiling, Sister Bernadette introduced herself and went forward with all the routine tests until after maybe an hour or two later she was finally left in her room and she was free to break down. She let out all the tears from fear of the TB, to tears from her heart breaking for Doctor Turner and as well tears from missing her sisters and her friends at Nonnatus house. She even missed her small dark quarters, for they were home. She fell asleep at some point of the night curled up in the fetal position with a pillow damp from her tears and whispered prayers.

He watched her walk away. He let her just walk away. He didn't even try to stop her. He didn't say one word to her. He knew he could have insisted upon walking her inside, he was her GP after all, the least he could say was that it was just to compare her records with her new TB doctor. He could have pretended that this was a necessary procedure. In all reality, he really should have. Oh how stupid he felt at the thought of this.

He was a coward.

He knew he was a coward and he reminded himself of that every moment of the way back to Poplar. Especially as Doctor Turner passed the spot on the road where they had nearly crashed and ended up in each other's arms. He had to take a moment then and pinch the bridge of his nose to prevent himself from crying at the thought of Sister Bernadette's face after he broke the kiss. He continued his journey back home slowly, but with determination. All he wanted at that moment was to be in the comfort of his home in solitude. When Doctor did arrive home, it was to an empty house as he turned the key in the lock he realized.

Timothy was with Granny Parker tonight, as it was half term. Therefore, Doctor being alone with his thoughts cried.

He cried for the first time in years. Angry tears, sad tears, overwhelmed with love tears. He cried until he had no tears left within him and he was simply shaking. When it felt as if all feeling had left his body and he could do no more, Doctor finally fell into a deep slumber, still in his day clothes, not even bothering to turn off the light. To be honest, he didn't know how he ended up making it to his bed even.

Neither of the two knowing that the last faces their minds saw before meeting unconsciousness were each others.

This kind of sort of ripped my heart out a little bit, but it is necessary for what is to come in the story, so bare with me.


End file.
